BREAKING: Senator Proposes "Know Your Customer" Law for Sandwich Shops
Article written by Pierre Rochard. You can reference the original masterpiece of journalism here
Washington, D.C. – In a bold and somewhat bizarre move, Senator Elizabeth Warren has introduced a new bill that aims to ramp up national security by implementing Know Your Customer (KYC) and Anti-Money Laundering (AML) checks at... sandwich shops. Yes, you read that right.
The "Subs and Security Act", as it's unofficially been dubbed, was met with a mix of confusion and stifled laughter when it was presented on the Senate floor yesterday. According to Senator Warren, this groundbreaking legislation will effectively prevent terrorists and rogue nations from purchasing sandwiches, thereby cutting off a crucial part of their sustenance and strategy.
"Sandwiches are a staple in the American diet. If terrorists get their hands on our hoagies, who knows what could happen," Senator Warren stated, somehow keeping a straight face. "We must ensure that every BLT, club sandwich, or tuna melt sold is not funding nefarious activities."
The bill outlines a comprehensive plan where sandwich shops will be required to verify the identity of their customers, track sandwich sales, and report any suspicious sandwich-related activities to authorities. Regular audits and compliance checks will be conducted to ensure no "unauthorized entities" are indulging in deli delights.
In a response that has since gone viral, one bewildered sandwich shop owner said, "I thought the strangest part of my day was when someone ordered a peanut butter and pickles sandwich. I stand corrected."
Critics have called the bill everything from "an overreach of power" to "an innovative solution in the fight against terrorism, if terrorists were particularly fond of pastrami on rye."
When asked about the cost and logistics of implementing such a system, Senator Warren suggested a partnership with tech companies to develop a "Sandwich Security App" that would streamline the process. Tech experts are already scratching their heads on how to design an algorithm to differentiate between a harmless ham and cheese and a potentially dangerous pita pocket.
While it's unclear if the bill will gain any traction, it has certainly sandwiched itself into the public discourse, providing a much-needed moment of levity in the often-serious halls of Congress.
Stay tuned for more updates on this sandwich saga. In the meantime, you might want to enjoy your favorite sub without having to show your ID... while you still can.
