Bitcoin's Harvey Weinstein? IPO Hopeful Bitcoin Founders Accuse U.S. Senator of Impropriety
Cheyenne, WY – Cynthia Lummis, the U.S. Senator from Wyoming, has been accused of impropriety and unethical behavior by founders and board members from IPO hopeful Bitcoin companies, according to a new report.
In the report, individuals from four companies in the Bitcoin mining and financial services industries say they independently contacted Senator Lummis in an attempt to influence crypto legislation and gain clarity on proposed policies as they prepared to take their companies public. They were shocked and appalled by Senator Lummis' alleged responses.
"I had to breathe in her steak farts."
"We were essentially told by [Senator Lummis] that the only way our concerns would be considered and addressed in her upcoming crypto bill is if we agreed to a list of several demands" according to a quote from one founder cited in the report. The quote continued, "one of the demands required our CTO [name redacted] to participate in what the Senator called a 'Laramie Lasso Chase'. [name redacted] was told to strip naked and run around covered in crisco grease while the Senator rode her horse and tried to lasso him. After she got him, her staffers ran out, hog tied him, and Senator Lummis tea bagged him with a set of castrated bull testicles that had been preserved by being dipped in gold."
An investor in a private Bitcoin mining venture detailed similar demands. "They hog tied me and had me hooked up to a big outdoor rotisserie. Instead of a fire there were several over-clocked ASIC miners running. I felt like I was in the world's hottest sauna. They called it the Hash Oven" He continued, "The Senator has irritable bowl syndrome. When she eats meat she gets severe excessive gas. I was forced to put on a gas mask attached to her rodeo denim jeans while the Senator and her guests had a steak dinner. I had to breathe her steak farts."
"My actual last task was to use a steaming hot Yellowstone geyser as a bidet."
In the report, the accusers all allege that Senator Lummis explicitly told them that if they didn't agree to her demands they ran the risk of their businesses being deliberately prohibited by the legislation she was writing. One founder listed in the report simply by their initials 'SM' detailed his experience completing each of four demands but attempting to refuse the fifth and final demand. "It was like a debaucherous episode of Cowboy Fear Factor. I thought I was being Punk'd or something. The last demand was called the Cheyenne Steam Clean which is a derivative of the Cleveland Steamer. I refused. I didn't think I could go through with it. The Senator told me if I refused, she'd make sure the Liquid Network was first to be banned by FinCen. I eventually relented. I thought I was finally done but I wasn't. My actual last task was to use a steaming hot Yellowstone geyser as a bidet."
As of press time, Senator Lummis has not responded to the Bugle's request for comment. Additionally, there is no active criminal or Congressional investigation based on this report. Reports indicate the accusers in the report are considering litigation against the Senator but will wait until their efforts to IPO their companies are successful to avoid delays and loss of investor funds. Finally this article is 100% satire.
